Springtime Love

the smell of spring

Standing in my yard, the yard where my children once played. I hear a breezy stirring in the trees, and I smell the beautiful spring breeze rush past me, blowing my hair in my face. I close my eyes and reach for my hair.

And for just a moment I could hear ‘em laugh and play, hear the excitement in their voices as they ran through the grass, their jacket flying behind them like a cape, as they stretched their arms as if to fly.

My heart swells with love and my eyes fill with tears. I miss those days, not so long ago. Memories of love and joy….stay close to my heart.

Rude people!

Calling all rude shoppers! I know you walk quickly to get in front of me to make me slow down. I know my job, my very existence bothers you and you wish you could shop with out employees in your way. I see the look on your face as you trap me in so I can’t do my job.

Oh yes I heard you tell me to slow down, by the way…. My job is timed. I have had foot surgery and have extreme pain while doing my job. I work with people half my age……my speed is important for me to keep my job. Oh but it’s funny when you push your cart in front of me so I can hit it. Then look at me so bright eyed like poor you! Is that how you drive your car?

And running your shopping cart into my body shoving it harder when we make eye contact. My job is a service and I could be shopping for your mom who is ill and can’t shop. Why must you make my job harder then it is. I try so hard to be polite and respectful, but that is challenged every day!

Some days are just bad days.

Some days everything comes to a head, it’s like every button you push is the wrong one.

It’s like you are surrounded by people that like the idea of being a loving family, if you were a better person and more lovable.

Like you are loved but if you fix this and that and do this loving you would be easier.

Fixing me is hard to figure out, I have changed this and I try to do that. I have decided I am going to be honest at all costs…..

But still I am un- un what you ask, un everything that is good. Sometimes I would like to un- everything.

I would like to un- everything that makes me feel pretty. Un- everything that makes me unique. Un decorate my home so it’s not my thing.

Self harm has been around longer then people talk about. What is self harm? Sky is the limit. But these things upset people around you. Why? Cause you always make it about you! Not everything is about you!

Some days I would like to go away.

Growing Up

I am learning which things in life I think are most important. As I grow I realize how approval has been so important in my life, physical and emotional approval. I really wasnt limited on the people I wanted approval from, sadly. I did put more worth on some peoples approval. Why have I done this, I do not know. But I am really trying to stop this from ruling my life any more. Do you have these little phrases stashed away in your mind, words that someone said to or about you? And when something doesnt go wright you pull those words out and beat yourself up? I dont want to spend the rest of my life doing this.

When I was in my late thirties I was on several medications, one of them made me nauseus every morning. I have been off of it for two years and I am still sick to my stomach in the morning. I started to self medicate with alcohol. I was realizing that the pain I had suffered with all my life was getting worse and I didnt know what I was going to do with myself. I was very angry, I had tried for years to get a diagnosis. I asked doctors to help me figure out the pain source. They were all ghood doctors but they are busy. So, when one test would come back fine, they just moved on, I still had pain.

I even tried to run from it. I thought i could ignore it. But then I would just hurt so bad I couldnt think. I decided I was just going to find a job that I could do and stay there forever. There are a lot of jobs I am not very good at. I used the fake it til you make it stratagy. But, hiar is what I was good at. Out of all the things I have done I think hair and merchandising are the only really talent areas I have. And that is fine because they are my favorite, so I love doing them.

I am to the spot in my life where going somewhere isn’t about where its about how much walking before we get there and after. How many pain pills do I need for the trip, plan around the nausea. Have to stop on the way for the back pain, walk it out. Walking helps with the restless legs also. But it hurts the hips, knees and feet. Now, I know everyone has some kind of pain after 40, I think I have a high pain tolerance. But how would I know, I do have a high pain tolerance to me. I put up with as much of the pain as I can handle, and sometimes more.

I have never had a diagnosis, I was refused disability becasue I am versitile with employment. My job is to walk fast basically. I really was doing well for a few months, I was taking pain pills for work and I had very little pain while I was on them at work. But when I was off work I was suffering, but pushing through. No more, I am not hurting to prove to myself that I can do it. I am not pushing through anymore because my pain is invisible. I have been waiting for verification of my pain, how silly is that? No one else can see it or feel it, no one else knows my limits and my struggles. Why have I been waiting on someone else to tell me how to help myself, or that the pain is even legitament.

This New Year I am doing things differntly. I am going to work as much as I can at the job I am at. This job has replaced my gym membership, I need the exercise. But I am only working what my body can handle. I am going to wear braces when I need them, I do not have to go to the dr so I can wear a brace on my knee when it hurts. I also went to my podiatrist and asked for a wheelchair perscription. If I have a chair I can do more and go more places. I do struggle that I will be wheeling to my destination, and I will probably stand up and walk around a bit to streach my back and look around or what ever. This is what makes me uncomfortable. Can you imagine the look on someones face when you come wheeling by and you stop and get up out of the chair. I am not sure if they want to celebrate because your not paralyzed “anymore” or if they want to paralyze you for impersonating a paralyzed peson. I have also ordered a shower chair to make showering easier.

I cant believe I am 42 and just feeling like I am finally figuring something out for myself, my only real strugge is pride. Pride is not my friend and I will give it to God everyday until it stays gone!! Happy New Year!

Where to begin?!

There are so many chapters in life. To tell the tail of memories past, where is the beginning. Start with the now, or maybe the then. Start at the beginning start at the end. The end is to far past and the beginning is to far away. Tell me then where do we start?

I feel the beginning and then I start my story. To tell a story of life you must have stories to share, but what is the story causes pain in another? Oh that would not do!

Is there a point to write a book and ask it to not be read? Now that is just silliness! Then what?